Life in the Lavender House of the Do-Nald of Marradia: An Alternative Universe of Alternative Facts

Chapter One, Part Three

A perfect party dress: Courtesy of HRH April Foolz-Day

Oyveyus’ mind drifted as the people in the room carried on a heated debate. He was thinking how annoying all these issues were. Forcing himself to concentrate, he said, “I don’t understand you people. Why not just bomb the North Dog Galaxy out of existence? One big bomb will surely make them Go Poof? Some of you seem to object to this straightforward and efficient solution.”

“Chancellor, if we do that, we may get in trouble with the Anunnaki,” said one of his advisors. “They are doing everything possible to civilize the North.”

“The Anunnaki! Again! Why can’t they stop messing with our affairs?” asked Oyveyus angrily. “Sometimes I wonder about why we are not trying to make the Anunnaki Go Poof, too!”

“Because they are stronger than we are, Chancellor,” said another advisor. “They can make us Go Poof quite easily.”

“Don’t say that!” said Oyveyus. “This is treason!”

“No, Chancellor, it’s simply common sense,” said the first advisor.

Oyveyus thought for a moment. “I know! How about we built a huge, enormous wall between the Anunnaki and Marradia? Then they won’t know what we are doing!”

The room was silent for a minute as the advisors were trying to grasp the suggestion. “A wall?” asked a junior attaché carefully. “Between the Anunnaki and us? But Chancellor, the Anunnaki can go through walls. They materialize and dematerialize themselves at will.”

“Oh, yes, I forgot that,” said Oyveyus. “Still, you know, I sometimes wonder why I even bother trying to make you see sense. In my normal life, before I took over this job, I could tell the people what they had to do, and they did it. You, on the other hand, never stop arguing.”

“This is diplomacy,” said a fourth advisor, an elderly woman who looked like an older version of Small Cabbage, which was not surprising since she was her aunt. “You did not have to deal with it in your previous life, Chancellor. But you must learn to do it now.”

Deciding that Small Cabbage would be angry if he executed her aunt, he did not make her Go Poof, strongly resisting the temptation. Instead, he mused loudly, “I love my previous life. I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier. I thought it was more of a … I’m a details-oriented person. I think you’d say that, but I do miss my old life. I like to work so that’s not a problem but this is actually more work.”

“You will get used to it,” said the aunt in a comforting way.

“So if you all object to my war plan, what do you suggest?” Asked Oyveyus.

The clamor of suggestions from all around lasted for a few minutes, and in the end, it worked out that most of the advisors were in favor of discussing the matter with the Anunnaki before doing anything. Oyveyus did not know if he was happy just to leave the room, or mad at the ridiculous overthinking the advisors were exhibiting. Well, the only thing to do was to get back to the party.

Back in the glittering room, he spied Madame Megillah Gharial by a wall of greenery, sipping a glass of Owaa. Quickly joining her, he said “I am just out of a meeting regarding your neighbors, the North Dog Galaxy. They seem to have attacked our fleet somewhere.”

“Are you sure you should be telling me this, Chancellor?” asked Madame Megillah, smiling.

“You think it may be a secret?” asked Oyveyus, surprised.

“Could be, but I promise I won’t tell anyone,” said Madame Megillah.

“Thank you,” said Oyveyus. “It’s hard to tell what is a secret and what is not when it comes to diplomacy. Now trade secrets, that I understand. You must be very careful in business, protecting your interests.”

“I hear you are an industrialist, Chancellor, with many commercial interests.”

“Yes, I was, and of course still am, the owner of several corporations. My favorite is the one that designs and sells high-end lingerie for elegantly dressed males.”

“Quite an enterprise,” said Madame Megillah. “I am not entirely used to the way you dress the gender. We have very different customs.”

“I can see that. In our world, your dress is entirely masculine, but I have to say it suits you very well,” said Oyveyus with purely professional interest. “You could even fit into one of our beauty pageants, even though we only present male contestants. I loved judging beauty pageants in my previous life.”

“How exciting,” said Madame Megillah. “I have never seen a beauty pageant for males.”

“If you like, I could introduce you to our reigning queen,” said Oyveyus enthusiastically. This conversation was so much more interesting than the discussion about the Northern Dog Galaxy.

Candidate for the Beauty Pageant: Courtesy of HRH April Foolz-Day

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